Hi Everyone,

Today, I want to discuss something that is close to my heart, something that I feel people should discuss more. Anxiety. Throughout this article, I will be covering my own journey and feelings, as well as speaking with a few people from different areas and levels of the sport to get their take on it. 

We will be hearing from people who compete and are involved in:

• Dressage
• Eventing
• Show Jumping

As well as speaking with a qualified Counsellor and BE/BD Judge to get their thoughts on anxiety and how they come into contact with it on a daily basis.

It's likely that you have experienced feelings of anxiety yourself; nervousness, nausea, trouble sleeping, cancelling social events, giving up hobbies and things that you enjoy... the list goes on.  Does this sound familiar? If so, don’t worry, everyone deals with anxiety differently but we all experience it. I have written this article in the hope that it will help those of you reading to know that you are not alone; anxiety is normal and you can learn to cope with it with the right steps and support.

My Story

Firstly, I want to give you some background on my own relationship with anxiety. As someone who has suffered with it in several areas of my life, horse riding is no different. I usually find that it rears its little head when I am made to feel nervous in one way or another, particularly when I have the feeling of being judged or having some sort of pressure put upon me. Perhaps I’m doing something that is new or I’m doing something for the first time in a while (jumping for example), maybe I’m doing something as simple as a lesson with a new instructor or maybe I’m at a competition where my adrenalin is high.

In the past, I experienced it the most whilst competing; either riding through a dressage test or jumping a course of jumps. It would come in waves and leave me feeling breathless. I struggled for air and would start coughing or gagging as a reflex. In fact, I worked myself up so much at my first ODE that, just before I was about to head out around the XC course, the bottle of Ribena that I had just finished came back up and proceeded to go down the shoulder of my mostly white horse… needless to say I wasn’t impressed. 

This was the point at which I realised I needed to find a way to deal with this. I couldn’t go around riding horses with purple stains down their necks looking like Barney the dinosaur for the rest of my life. Or at least, I didn’t want to.

I found that at this point my whole outlook on it changed; I no longer wanted to feel like this, and that drove me on with a determination. I started to put myself in the situations that scared me and heightened my anxiety more often and the more I did it, the less I worried and the more I could cope with it. I taught myself to go into my own little bubble whilst warming the horses up, allowing me to focus on the here and now, instead of the ‘what ifs’. I found myself a good network of friends who understood how I felt. I talked to them about it and I surrounded myself with the right people, both at home and at competitions, so that every time I realised I was starting to feel it appear, I would discuss it with them. Just speaking about it to others can make such a difference. 

It took time, but I can now go through a full dressage test at a championship without even thinking about it. Last year I jumped around a course of jumps happily and it wasn’t until I looked back over the footage that I realised how relaxed I was. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still there and it probably always will be, but I have learnt how to cope with it the best way that I can and that’s the most important step.

I think an important thing to remember is that, as with anything, you can have good and bad days within the sport, both mentally and physically. Just because today may have been a bad one, does not mean that you should give up hope. Keep persevering, a good day will come. The storm will pass.

Owning or riding just the one horse

Before I speak with a few different people to get their stories, I wanted to touch on the pressures of having just one horse to ride. This is something that I myself have struggled with, along with several people that I know. Unlike riders at higher levels of the sport who have a string of horses ready to compete, I just have the one, and this comes with its own pressure and worry.

Owning your own horse is such an incredible feeling, but if you’re like me, the love and devotion that you have for that animal can increase your nerves. You can spend hours watching them move, hoping that they are ok, almost making yourself see a problem that isn’t even there, and being overly careful with what you do with them because if they are injured and need time off… that’s your season gone. At times it can take away from the enjoyment of taking them out XC schooling or starting a new and more strenuous schooling exercise when it should be an exciting and up-lifting experience. I am incredibly lucky to be supported by my wonderful vet, Rob Hanson at St David’s Equine Veterinary Practice, who is very good at discussing my worries (and sometimes - more often than not - humouring me when we both know that I am over reacting).

What I’m trying to say is, it’s normal to have this fear. But, is it worth allowing it to stop you enjoying your horse? No. Caring too much is not a flaw; just make sure that you and your horse are still enjoying what you’re doing and not letting it overtake your thoughts.

Saskia Layburn – Counsellor

In order to cover all aspects I wanted to speak with a good friend of mine, Saskia Layburn. Saskia has been an incredible help to me and my anxiety whilst riding. Whether it be competing or schooling, she’s there with her calm and encouraging manner. She has competed up to BE Novice level herself and is a fully qualified counsellor and a member of the BACP (British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapists). She is currently organising an event with BE and Bicton Arena to talk about mental health within the sport (more information on this will be available at the bottom of this article).

Saskia says, “Now, more than ever I see the need for stronger provisions to be in place for equestrian’s mental health. The unique stressors that have been highlighted to me through recent research I carried out as part of my training as a therapist, have shown that within our sport, not only do we face many pressures linked with social and sporting lifestyles - such as financial pressures, competitive pressures, social difficulties, education and isolation - we also compete in the only known sport in which the human-animal relationship plays such a significant role.

“As an equestrian myself, I have experience with the highs and lows of owning such magnificent creatures. The extreme peeks after winning a competition, having a great lesson, or a quiet evening at the yard attending to my best friends (of the four- legged variety). However, I also note the struggles that go hand in hand with equine sport. The anxiety that I have experienced for weeks leading up to a competition, only to find my horse just ‘wasn’t feeling it that day’. To the cripplingly frustrating moments, where I feel I’m doing everything I can to be ‘perfect’ (whatever that might be), but I’m just not ‘getting it’ (linking this particular memory with my attempts at leg yield).

“Despite all of this, us equestrians ‘keep on kicking’. We carry on. Despite the heartache we may face losing a dear friend to old age or injury. Despite never getting to hold that red rosette in our hands. We just keep trying. For that, I am grateful to be part of such a determined community. However, in order for us to be able to hold such strength, I feel it is so important to share our experiences. Our stories. To lend support where we can. To recognise that now is a time for change and that change can take many forms. Whether it be visiting local events to share a part of ourselves, talking to a professional, or open communication between us and our instructors, families and friends so that we can continue showing how equestrian sport is unique, in a wonderful way.”

Claudine Beard – BD/BE Dressage Judge

Let me introduce you to Claudine, my flatwork instructor. Claudine is a BD listed (5) judge. She competes in dressage herself along with training others in her spare time. She has supported me in my endeavours over the last few years and has been an influential part in my success.

Claudine says, “In these times I'm afraid that anxiety features for many, in each action, every day - if you suffer with anxiety or depression you're in good company.  Figures published more than 18 months ago show that 8 out of 10 adults have some kind of 'mental health' issues that they've sought help for at some time - thankfully 'mental health' issues don't have the stigma associated now that they did when I was growing up.  Understanding how someone feels when you can see they're struggling has allowed me to work with partnerships to use their training as a form of therapy - it amazes me how many young girls struggle with inner demons, making them feel worthless, useless or downright miserable.  

“When judging, I am very aware that encouragement and direction is paramount when summing up a test - a very thin and shaky line to tread when sometimes things have clearly not gone according to plan.  I am always aware that you are forming an opinion based on a 4-5 minute snapshot of someone's 'everything' and that that opinion could make or break their mental stability. I'd like to think that having been there myself I am able to empathise with those struggling and help to rebuild confidences that can be taken from moments in the saddle to everyday life.”

Immy Carter – 2* Event Rider

I actually first met Immy through Young Farmers’ Club rather than through horses. She is a bubbly and friendly Devon-based 2*event rider and groom who owns and runs her own business (Equine and Pet Services). 

Immy says, “I have suffered from social anxiety and depression for officially 2 years, unofficially most likely forever. For those of you that don’t know me, I was riding before I could walk and I have never not had a pony in my life, but, in November 2018 things changed. I no longer wanted horses and I wanted my life to end. Now, in June 2020, I have just purchased a second horse and my work is pretty much full time horses (freelance groom, if you like) and I’m getting there.

“Long story short, I was suffering for a long time but I would not admit it. My mind told me I was just a moody 21 year old and I was working too many hours and trying to please too many people.

“On a particular morning, a young horse I had been working with needed his daily exercise – up until this point he had been impeccably behaved in all respects. So, off I went – out the drive, down the road, past the gate. Then out of nowhere a scary hedge monster jumped out! He span, did his best impression of a rodeo bull and I landed head first on the concrete road, grazed my arm from shoulder to elbow and cracked my hat in half. From that moment, I cried and I don’t think I stopped until I went to bed that night. When I say cried, I sobbed and sobbed, I could have probably filled a small cereal bowl. It’s important to say at this point that it is okay to cry. It wasn’t because of the pain – ok, that could have been part of it – but it was because I couldn’t go on feeling so weak. I had gotten into the habit of slapping on a smile and saying the dreaded words, ‘I’m fine’... I now try not to use those words!

“I rang my mum and I cried down the phone, I said ‘I’m going to ring the doctor, can you come with me?’ And that’s where my recovery journey started. Since then, I have seen therapists, doctors, mental health professionals, listened to podcasts, rekindled lost friendships and I’ve taken anti-depressants (many various ones because it took so long to find one my body would accept). By the way, I am still taking them. Or ‘happy Smarties’ as my mum refers to them.

“So, how do I cope? Well, it all depends on what I am doing; riding, working, driving, going to social gatherings, competing, meeting new people. Coping with all the different activities leads to using different ways to cope or prepare for each activity – I still haven’t found the best way to cope with all of them yet. Fundamentally though, it comes down to breathing. Generally, breathing in for double the time you breathe out. Try it when you’re next sat comfortably (closing your eyes helps too, but don’t do this unless it’s safe!!)...

“Take a deep breath in for a count of 4, breathe out slowly for a count of 2. Repeat this slowly for about 5 or 6 times.

“You will instantly feel relieved. I cannot tell you how many times a day I have to do that but it is so helpful. I create timelines/rotas for each day so I don’t overdo anything. ‘Everything in moderation’ is something that my dad always says. Being an anxious person means not having a plan or being a bit last minute.com isn’t ideal, and being with people that have no real urgency to do all the tasks becomes unsettling.

“Every day I am still learning what helps me but I would say my biggest thing would be breathing. Practise it whenever you can. I find doing it when I get into bed is super calming. There are also thousands of podcasts or sound tracks specifically for calming or helping with sleep – try them out. I often listen to white noise if I am really struggling.”

Caitlin Astley-Jones – Amateur Event Rider

Caitlin is a Devon-based amateur event rider. She has competed up to BE 100 level with her home produced mare, Una, and has recently started a podcast with her friend and fellow competitor, Immy Carter (who we heard from above), where they discuss the trials and tribulations of eventing. If you are interested in listening to their podcast, I will provide a link at the bottom of the article. 

Caitlin says, “I first started to notice my social anxiety when I went to university. Everyone had these big, beautiful, flashy competition horses and a lot of money! I remember thinking I could never live up to their full Pikeur wardrobe or Oakley Supreme – or even their riding ability. My friends were brave, bold, talented riders and I couldn’t rise to the challenge – I was too worried about failing and what people would say.

“Now, I wish I’d have slowed down and just enjoyed my 15hh Connie X. My nerves still exist and play a huge factor in every event I enter. However, after meeting my partner Sam, I feel that I am more on top of the nerves and he has helped me to control them far better.

“I remember the day it really hit me hard how much I suffered. My friend used my phone to Facebook her Mum, but she forgot to close the page. I read everything that was said about me and my new 4yo and it made me not want to compete with others anymore. I moved out of that university house at the end of the year and into a different one with better friends and I never looked back. I went home that same Easter and competed in my first ODE. I trotted round the XC and cried when I finished. I wasn’t sure if I cried because I made it home or because I was so thrilled. A few years on, I went to a local 5* Event Rider for the summer, in the hope of improving my confidence. The ‘want’ to Event has always been there for me, but never the fearless ‘oomph’ over XC to do well at it! Anyway, this particular year helped me more than anything. I was about to go round my first Novice! 

“Until it all went wrong. Again, I put too much pressure on myself to be like my friends and at their level, and failed. My mum said to me ‘Why do you do this if it’s no fun for you?’ So, I thought why do I? What is the point? After that, I made the decision to look after myself and not put pressure on what height I was jumping. I entered a BE90 and thought, worst case scenario, I’ll trot round if need be, I’m here to have fun. I made myself smile all the way round the dressage arena, count my breaths during show jumping, and I sang all the way round the XC. Would you believe it, I was winning until the last 3 riders! Again, I finished the XC and cried. I had never been so happy.

“Sam receives regular sessions (as a professional rugby player) with psychologists and has read some amazing books, so I’m like his Guinea Pig. He always tries to incorporate what he is taught on handling pressure into my riding; he also just has this wonderful air of not caring what most people think! After spending so much time with someone like that, it just begins to wear off on you. Sam has always said to me, ‘Just breathe, if you can picture yourself doing it when you close your eyes, you can do it in real life.’ It’s called Imagery. If you can calm yourself down before you enter the ring, you can compartmentalise and process thoughts more fluidly, therefore thinking clearer and increasing your ability to react. I now sing in the warm up so I don’t think about anything but the lyrics. I also make a point of smiling at everyone so I don’t focus on their amazing horses! If you ever get the chance, read the book ‘Bounce’. I have now stopped expecting so much from myself, stopped having people around me that don’t encourage me and I have started enjoying riding again. Because, truthfully, what is the point if we don’t enjoy it. It’s far too expensive a sport not to love.”

Sharna Collins – Aspiring Show Jumper and Freelance Rider

I have known Sharna for 10 years now. Wow… that makes me feel old! I have watched her blossom from a 13 year old girl who dreamt of showjumping one day, to a great horsewoman who has competed up to Foxhunter BSJA, Novice BE and owns and runs her own freelance business (Rivera Showjumping).

Sharna commented, “Anxiety is no stranger in our sport. I have struggled in the past with it taking over my thoughts and quite frankly, still do - especially when I have an audience.

“Producing young horses is my biggest passion, that is, until it gets to the selling part, when I have to show the horse off to the clients. I find myself tensing up and I freeze... not so good when you’re trying to show someone how relaxed a horse is! It can even get the better of me when I’m competing, if I know that I’m close to the end of the course and so far so good, the pressure is on for that double clear and everyone’s watching... nerves start racing and that’s when I miss that stride or take my leg off!

“I’ve learnt to deal with this in one way... by accepting my mistakes! They happen and always will. I take the pressure off myself right before I go in to the ring by thinking about what I could learn from today... not what could go wrong. Welcome the uncertainty and SMILE. Have confidence in your horse, and yourself. I find counting my strides and verbally praising or talking to my horse after every jump keeps my mind off the thought of messing up! Yes it could end up being a horrific round or viewing. But that’s not to say you can’t come to the next show or client and try again. There will always be another opportunity. I find it best when entering a competition to enter a 3 day show, after day 1 I tend to relax in the environment, and knowing that I have the opportunity to jump tomorrow takes the pressure off... Finally, just remember to have fun and enjoy the sport we all love so much!”

Thank you to all of those that have contributed to this article. It is important for us to stick together and encourage one another within the sport. Speak to your friends and family, no matter how happy they may seem, and reach out to those that could do with the support. I would love to hear your stories and how you cope with it personally, so please feel free to get in touch with me on any of my social media platforms - I do not pretend to be a professional in dealing with things but I am more than happy to listen.

Below I have listed those that have contributed to this article along with links to any social media channels or events that they have.

Saskia Layburn - Saskia is organising an evening at Bicton Arena with British Eventing called ‘The Mental Health Project – Mental Health in Equestrian Sport.’ If you would like to know more about this keep an eye on my social media channels where I will post more information when it is available.

Saskia’s Website - https://www.saskialayburncounselling.co.uk

Claudine Beard – If you are interested in lessons with Claudine you can contact her on 01404 871369

Immy Carter – Immy can be found on social media under the name @immyfreelancegroom

Caitlin Astley-Jones – Cailtin can be found on social media under the name @caitlinunaequestrian

Immy and Caitlin’s Podcast – https://m.soundcloud.com/user-726452291/equestrians-uncut-the-pressures-of-competing

Sharna Collins – Sharna can be found on social media under the name @RiveraShowjumping

Finally, before I sign off, I just want to say a few “thank-yous”. Thank you to all of the friends, acquaintances and fellow competitors that have seen me struggling and helped me. Thank you to my mother, Claire Colvin, who, even through her own worries, comes and watches me at any competition that she can. Thank you to my partner, Sam Withers, who will openly admit that he is not that horsey but through thick and thin, supports me in what I want to do. Thank you to my best friends, Abbey Drewe and Jess Gray, for being there, any time, any place to talk to me if I need it and to cheer me on. Thank you to all of the instructors that I have had throughout my life, who have believed in me and pushed me to do better. And thank you to my sponsors and vets, St David’s Equine Veterinary Practice and Milmo’s Equine, for not only looking after my horses but for genuinely supporting me in what I do.

Apologies, I am aware that it sounds a little like an acceptance speech for a BAFTA award… I am finished now.

My name is Jessica Colvin and I am a Devon-based amateur dressage rider. Should you want to keep up to date with my other articles, blogs, product reviews and vlogs, keep an eye on my Horsemart blog page and social media channels.